Harry Nilsson's version of without you.

time and time again
i am thrown back into these black whirlpools of despair
that longs only for you
and about all else
does not really care

but there is also
this other sentimental sadness
that is harder to explain

but it is the reason
that Harry Nilsson's version of the song 'Without You'
is the one that really matters
and it is that crown
yet even that jewel in the crown
of all realities
and the benevolent
feature
of the heart
wants to find encouraging words
for every wayward wandering soul
but always at the heart of things
is that energy and that shape
which is the face and name of beauty
and the movement and the sound of truth

and goodness knows that the two are rarely in the same place at once

but there it is
the seeker after
this rare delight

lost
again
in thought.

the hollow lump

there is a solid rock of poison death
as black and foul as Satan's breath
as hard and sharp as knives of steel
as painful as all that is real
and now
it sits within my stomach
and drags upon my breathing
and it weighs within my spirit
and burns dark and rank and seething
it is the spell of reality
and it insists
that i must digest its every morsel
and that i can not resist.

prone

It feels like the world doesn't really need me
I feel so weak and frail.

something may just come along and distract me for a good long while
you would never know it on the street
the way i smile and smile.

There's just one thing I really need
the way it feels
the way it tastes

there are just two words
that i want to be said
about me every day
by just the one
for whom it matters

they say I know

They say I know

that I am alright
that I am ok

but I know that its not really that a way.

I know who I am
and I know how I feel
and I know that this loneliness is really real.

I know that I am a loser and a god damned fool

I know that i am going to burn in hell.

I need all of those superficial beauties
and all those deeper ones too.

I need my health back
and my now lost youth

I need to believe in romance and have something to give and to get

I thought I had found love
but I guess that wasn't it yet

love is not love if it ends

no

they say

I know

there was more to this before but I forgot it.

Jesus came and healed the sick
but it was god who made disease.

Jesus came to save the world
but it was god who set the trap

There must be pleasure.

Tis the morning now
and soon the day begins
work
all day
but the trouble is :
I don't feel well.
I don't ever seem to feel well. lately.

This feeling of congested nose
where my blood flows
my chest
hard to take a breath
and tired
always tired
till I drink more coffee
and then feel wired

my heart
is heavy
in my breast
and my dreams are filled with
dark obsess
with memories of sex gone by
and love now lost
and questions why

and this one thought
unchanged
unshaken
this tear drop
suicide
lost soul
gonna die
burn in hell
forever
why
because this life
the way it feels
this lonely lost love
broken flesh
impotent and weak
and pained
and numbness
of the soul and brain and finger tips
and hungry lips
and empty arms

this one thought
that does not want to live
if life can not have some better way

perhaps I will die
perhaps I do not care

it is not enough to live
there most be pleasure.

tongue twirling
flavors
and the scent
and that electricity
that building of the energy
that breaths
and hyperventilates
and holds that moment
in the crux
and moves
through radiant deluxe and grows and is made stronger still
with every wave of shuddering thrill
you know what it is I mean
the tops- the best- the most high keen

I ask it plainly.
when life no longer holds this greatest delight
then why be alive?

a suicide poem.

So this is another layer
please. we need a prayer.
for one now lost to us.

I heard she jumped
off a building at the college.

I did not know her well.
She was the friend of a friend.

I do not believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin.
But pray for her none the less.
Pray that in that final act
is found what must have been felt to lack
that the father with his many rooms
offers more than just a place to stay
his name to pray
some ecstasy
for we have many rooms here on earth
and still
that feeling
which wakes up every day
and says
'perhaps tonight will be the night'
roams about freely and unfettered
and even when it screams out loud
to those around
not one person can really tell you
why to not just go and do it.

and now what happens?

do souls sleep until the end?
do they right away ascend?
do they walk among lost
as ghosts?

my own pain has seen that door a thousand times
but not yet opened it.

my own pain still exists.
and daily feels more discouraged and less hopeful.

We desire
we long
we pray

I do not believe
that heaven's hope
can satisfy
all that we suffer and lose in life.

Lord. Give us strength. Lord, give us what we need. Lord. Give us what we want.