there was more to this before but I forgot it.

Jesus came and healed the sick
but it was god who made disease.

Jesus came to save the world
but it was god who set the trap

There must be pleasure.

Tis the morning now
and soon the day begins
work
all day
but the trouble is :
I don't feel well.
I don't ever seem to feel well. lately.

This feeling of congested nose
where my blood flows
my chest
hard to take a breath
and tired
always tired
till I drink more coffee
and then feel wired

my heart
is heavy
in my breast
and my dreams are filled with
dark obsess
with memories of sex gone by
and love now lost
and questions why

and this one thought
unchanged
unshaken
this tear drop
suicide
lost soul
gonna die
burn in hell
forever
why
because this life
the way it feels
this lonely lost love
broken flesh
impotent and weak
and pained
and numbness
of the soul and brain and finger tips
and hungry lips
and empty arms

this one thought
that does not want to live
if life can not have some better way

perhaps I will die
perhaps I do not care

it is not enough to live
there most be pleasure.

tongue twirling
flavors
and the scent
and that electricity
that building of the energy
that breaths
and hyperventilates
and holds that moment
in the crux
and moves
through radiant deluxe and grows and is made stronger still
with every wave of shuddering thrill
you know what it is I mean
the tops- the best- the most high keen

I ask it plainly.
when life no longer holds this greatest delight
then why be alive?

a suicide poem.

So this is another layer
please. we need a prayer.
for one now lost to us.

I heard she jumped
off a building at the college.

I did not know her well.
She was the friend of a friend.

I do not believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin.
But pray for her none the less.
Pray that in that final act
is found what must have been felt to lack
that the father with his many rooms
offers more than just a place to stay
his name to pray
some ecstasy
for we have many rooms here on earth
and still
that feeling
which wakes up every day
and says
'perhaps tonight will be the night'
roams about freely and unfettered
and even when it screams out loud
to those around
not one person can really tell you
why to not just go and do it.

and now what happens?

do souls sleep until the end?
do they right away ascend?
do they walk among lost
as ghosts?

my own pain has seen that door a thousand times
but not yet opened it.

my own pain still exists.
and daily feels more discouraged and less hopeful.

We desire
we long
we pray

I do not believe
that heaven's hope
can satisfy
all that we suffer and lose in life.

Lord. Give us strength. Lord, give us what we need. Lord. Give us what we want.

Dark Angel

She is a Dark Angel.

I do not know how it came to be, exactly.
When ever and a time ago I first ever knew her
she was an Angel full of light and bright
I remember new years eve
a cold winter's night
and she so small
and the man so tall
a blues man
but that is neither here nor there
no, it was some other care
some other love
gone wrong
at full volume
and reverberating heart ache and betray
and then I saw her here and there
and with that friend of hers
they were a pair
like vampires
up to no good it seemed
and having fun
and every time I have ever seen her
one thought always
sparks to life
"she is so beautiful"
she is so beautiful
and I fail falling
into shadows of dark angels
and still........

She is beautiful
and I know
that she is still
an angel light an angel bright
and that two eyes see her now
as the angel of all life and light

I wish her well
i pray
that all the angels
that are her own
the angels round her
that are hers
will help her in every way they can
and that she even
will have such faith
to call them to her side and aid
and pray a little prayer each night
"life can be hard, help us get it right."