a suicide poem.

So this is another layer
please. we need a prayer.
for one now lost to us.

I heard she jumped
off a building at the college.

I did not know her well.
She was the friend of a friend.

I do not believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin.
But pray for her none the less.
Pray that in that final act
is found what must have been felt to lack
that the father with his many rooms
offers more than just a place to stay
his name to pray
some ecstasy
for we have many rooms here on earth
and still
that feeling
which wakes up every day
and says
'perhaps tonight will be the night'
roams about freely and unfettered
and even when it screams out loud
to those around
not one person can really tell you
why to not just go and do it.

and now what happens?

do souls sleep until the end?
do they right away ascend?
do they walk among lost
as ghosts?

my own pain has seen that door a thousand times
but not yet opened it.

my own pain still exists.
and daily feels more discouraged and less hopeful.

We desire
we long
we pray

I do not believe
that heaven's hope
can satisfy
all that we suffer and lose in life.

Lord. Give us strength. Lord, give us what we need. Lord. Give us what we want.

Dark Angel

She is a Dark Angel.

I do not know how it came to be, exactly.
When ever and a time ago I first ever knew her
she was an Angel full of light and bright
I remember new years eve
a cold winter's night
and she so small
and the man so tall
a blues man
but that is neither here nor there
no, it was some other care
some other love
gone wrong
at full volume
and reverberating heart ache and betray
and then I saw her here and there
and with that friend of hers
they were a pair
like vampires
up to no good it seemed
and having fun
and every time I have ever seen her
one thought always
sparks to life
"she is so beautiful"
she is so beautiful
and I fail falling
into shadows of dark angels
and still........

She is beautiful
and I know
that she is still
an angel light an angel bright
and that two eyes see her now
as the angel of all life and light

I wish her well
i pray
that all the angels
that are her own
the angels round her
that are hers
will help her in every way they can
and that she even
will have such faith
to call them to her side and aid
and pray a little prayer each night
"life can be hard, help us get it right."

uncertainty

all that before was true
has given way to the present true

love
may only be a lie

I am alone.

Nov 07

2009. is now.

Oct of 2008
One year and a half
of whipping like a rag in the wind.

Grief born words and convolutions
free fall dream strange living
and the guitar was an anchor
and weights became the clicking of my heels
and prayer, so out of fashion now, became a meditation
which stilled my being in the midst of weeping
and that one face became the abyss
into which all pain can flow
and the self within the self
in small and faltering steps
pulled itself together
and found some chance to smile.

and then a miracle happened
or maybe it was fate

She loves me.
still and again.

Nov 07.
in an instant
and a hug
a glass of wine upon the rug
and the path of the future has one certainty
she will be my wife.

Fever Dreams

One year later
since i have written here.

and nothing is any different.

She is still
the constant prayer upon my breath
the bleeding wound that leads to death
the face that floats upon the dark
my memories
of nights in parks

The only one
who moves my soul
now lost forever.

and I awake
September chill
and rain and gray
and fevered dreams
within me play
that unsettling shift in frame
when a virus is to blame
and my very body
is not my friend

lungs hurt
house of dirt

I can not win against
these odds
and no comfort is there.

Bridget

I reach out to her,
but why?
to find the one thing yet which was never there before.
i am grieving
this is a death.
imperfect though it was
it was love.
our souls so fit together
but not our lips.
the joy i could not feel
became the disease
that killed us.
i want to change it all
but I cannot.
she is the sweetest center
what other love could be as good?
every woman i know
leaves me so uninspired.
every woman i find attractive
vibrates with energies
that reject my being.
her touch drains my soul.
my words kill her heart.
this really sucks
she deserves better than what i gave
and what do i deserve?

sad

it pulls me back
again
and burns
just when you thought
the sentence lifted.

she can not help me.
every word from her,
kind or not,
is sadness for me.

everything would be ok
except for time.
i am a million miles off